Turning 40 - Part 3

29. Attempted a triathlon and failed.  It was Lifetime Fitness’ “Try a Tri” – 20 minute swim, 30-minute cycle in the studio and 20 min run on the treadmill – easy, right?  I was working out regularly and thought that I could do it.  But the morning came; I swam fine, and then got on the cycle.  Within 10 minutes I felt lightheaded and had to get off.  A few minutes later I was throwing up outside the cycle studio – embarrassing! I did end dong the 20 min run at the end and I’m still proud of trying.  I hope that I’ll get a chance to try a Tri again – and succeed. 
30. Cried in my boss’ office and survived – another failure story.  There have been moments in my life when I love my job and am good at it.  And there are other moments – when I’ve taken on too much.  About 4-5 years ago, I took on some graduate classes and an internship and I just couldn’t complete it while raising 3 young kids.  When I quit the program and told my principal, I cried. It was embarrassing at the time, but it didn’t end my career.  Just a few years later, I was loving my job again being praised by my co-workers and boss

31. Watched a movie marathon til the Break of Dawn (part 2) - It was actually the Twilight series, last year.  Sure, I had many movie marathons in my teens, but it felt awesome to ditch the kids, and stay up with good friends, doing something totally ridiculous as an adult.

32. Lived in another country – It may seem like I’m grasping at straws, but living in Canada is totally out of my comfort zone.  Some people are world travelers and want to live in many different places.  I’m not one of those people.  So I constantly remind Kumar that living in Canada counts as my missionary experience.

33. Hiked in the Grand Canyon- I didn’t get to go all the way down to Phantom Ranch, but I enjoyed a short hike down part of the Grand Canyon with my friend Joo during one of my cross-country road trips.  It was beyond awesome.  There is nothing like nature to make you feel how enormous God is. 

34. Saw the world through my child’s eyes – I think I had more fun at Disneyworld that my kids did.  It was an awesome vacation that was well timed (our kids were young and eager) and well planned (by me). Some say that its all marketing, but I think it is an amazing family memory and worth every penny

35. Watched fireworks at Eiffel tower – this was all my husband.  I’m not a world traveler. I like home. But last year, Kumar talked me into the European vacation of a lifetime and I spent Bastille Day watching the fireworks from under the Eiffel tower.  The crowds, the heat, being out with our children past midnight in a foreign country – so not my thing.  But I’m glad we did it, because I’m pretty sure it will always be a great Dixit family memory. 

36. Swam with turtles – My family went to Hawaii in 2005 with my parents.  We went on an awesome snorkeling trip with giant sea turtles.  The organization that led it was awesome, teaching us all about the ocean.  I loved the experience and I loved the learning that went with it. 

37. Drove cross-country – I’ve done this 5 times, and it never gets old.  There is something amazing in seeing how places are connected. On this spring break trip right now I realized that Kumar and I have driven the whole west coast (Mexico to canada) too. We usually do road trips cause flying with 3 kids is too pricey.  But I also the feeling that there is a road from one of my homes to the other.  It’s a feeling that you don’t get when you fly. 

38. Danced until dawn – I’ve never been a bad girl. I didn’t spend my college years in bars drinking and participating in other debauchery, but I have enjoyed a couple of nights out laughing, dancing and enjoying the company of good friends.  I won’t apologize for that, and I hope those days will continue in my 40s (even if they are harder to recover from). 

39.Stayed a Christian - I grew up in a conservative Adventist church. Some people want to run from that lifestyle but I've grown with it. I believe in loving God first and loving others. What does that mean to Adventists? It means I'm liberal, maybe barelyadventist, or badventist in some circles. Even though there are some things within my religion that I don't agree with, being a member of the SDA church enhances my own relationship with God and with others. Some conservative Adventists may not appreciate my views or lack of faith "in the system" but I believe there is room for all of us, and I'm not leaving. 

40.  Realized my Self worth – This is something my parents instilled in me.  Maybe it is because I’m the oldest child in my family, the first grandchild on my mother’s side.  I was a little spoiled growing up.  I’ve always known that I was special. It is that belief has kept me from making many stupid mistakes in my life. I still believe it today – even on days when I feel too fat, too ugly or too stupid, but because I have great plans for me.  I am special because I am a child of God.  Happy birthday to me. 

Turning 40 (part 2)

 

11.      Learned to say “No” and “yes” – I’m not a “yes” person – I’m actually a “no” person.  My first reaction is “no” to most requests, but now that I know that, I try to wait, take the time to think through things and then make a decision.  Sometimes that pushing myself to say yes to things, if there is no good reason to say no.  Sometimes there needs to be a balance of doing things for myself, for others, and just to face my fears.

12.     Asked for help when I needed it – I’m an introvert and a control freak – a bad combination.  I’d prefer to clone myself and get things done without interacting with others, but that’s just not possible.  Through the years, I’ve had to learn that I cannot do everything on my own.  So now, I ask for help.  The worst they can do is say no.  Usually I just keep asking until they say yes. 

13.     Found the big dipper – I grew up in Pathfinders, a mixed gender scouting group by the Seventh Day Adventist church.  In Pathfinders, we studied constellations, birds, plants and learned to appreciate the great outdoors.  I’m not a nature fanatic, but I have basic skills and an appreciation for nature that started with Mr. Jack and Ms. Joyce (our pathfinder leaders).  I’m now reliving those experiences with Jaelin in her first year in Pathfinders. 

14.     Became a voter - When I became a US citizen at 18 years old, I was still indoctrinated by my conservative Christian high school (All Christians were Republicans there).  I’m still a registered republican, but now I form my own ideas about who and what to vote for, and in the last few elections, I’ve been happy and proud to take my kids with me to experience democracy in action.

15.     Explored a city on my own – I didn’t travel much as a kid, and my strict Indian parents were not ones to let me go off on my own, even as an adult.  But now, I get to travel to conferences occasionally for my job or with Kumar and I get a wonderful feeling when I walk around a new city or figure out public transportation on my own.  It’s a feeling of independence that I just love! 

16.     Felt comfortable speaking in front of a group – I’m an introvert, and for many years as a kid, I hated raising my hand to give an answer in class.  In college I took 2 public speaking classes, and even when I graduated I felt nervous speaking in front of people.  Now, at 40, I don’t particularly enjoy being in front of a crowd, but I can speak in front of people when it’s necessary.  Just knowing that makes me feel capable and strong. 

17.     Wrote and shared poetry –I attended a lecture at the Walters art museum with a slam poet, Gayle Danely.  I’m not a poet, and I can’t slam dunk or rap, but I love art so I signed up for this teacher workshop.  It was extremely interesting and engaging and - I ended up sharing my poetry, which was way too stressful for an introvert like me. This is so not something I imagine doing again, but I did it once.

18.     Fixed something myself - I have pretty good spatial awareness skills, and I can read directions, so that makes me a little bit handy.  I routinely hang pictures, put together Ikea furniture, and occasionally fix the dishwasher or garbage disposal.  They are little things, I know, but it fills me with accomplishment when I tell Kumar, “It’s fixed – I figured it out” – even if I just googled it. 

19.     Won a cooking contest – I like food.  I like cooking it, eating it, and watching other people cook/eat it on TV.  The monotony of cooking breakfast, lunch and dinner for my family every day can get to me, but cooking is not just a life skill for me  - it’s a hobby.  And I have a group of cousins/friends who take cooking to another level. I’m proud to be the 2008 winner of the “Cousins Cook-off” against a crew of incredibly talented and competitive chefs. 

20. Learned to sew – I just learned how to use a sewing machine this year.  It takes patience, but it’s nice to know that I can hem Ikea drapes, clothes and eventually make all sorts of other creative things with my new skill.

21. Learned to ski – As we reach middle age, some people want to stick to what they are good at.  I want to learn something new.  Learning to ski wasn’t that hard.  It was fun, especially with my kids.  I think they liked learning something new together. 

22. Ran a 5k – I’ve never been an athlete. I was the last person picked in PE all the time and I didn’t care.  I was good at other things and developed those talents. Now I realize that I need exercise to be healthy, so I’ve been developing my skills as an athlete.  I ran a 5K about 5 years ago, and now I’m training for a 10k.  We’ll see where this leads. 

23. Practiced yoga – Yoga is patience, balance and control. I’ve never been a regular, but I think it’s time to be.  Having a yoga practice helps me physically and mentally.  For you extroverts who just blurt out everything you think, us introverts think too - The mind of an introvert runs a mile a minute.  Yoga is way for me to clear my mind (because its hard to think and balance at the same time).

24. Volunteered – This is a really great thing about Christianity. If you are raised in a church, you are raised a volunteer.  In Pathfinders, in my Christian high school, in college and in church, I’ve volunteered everywhere and anywhere. I’ve rocked sick babies, worked in soup kitchens, tutored poor kids in the city, and picked up trash on the side of road.  Each of those experiences helped me realize how fortunate I really am.  Those experiences also helped me gravitate towards a career that values helping people. 

25. Sponsored a child- Kumar thinks I’m a sucker for this kind of stuff.  I’m actually pretty skeptical of most NGOs, but a few years ago, I heard WesStafford (then president of Compassion International) speak at a conference. I was so taken with his story that I read his book and then ended up sponsoring 2 children from his organization.  Wes says its not the money, it’s the relationship that’s important, so I’ve really tried to keep writing regularly to these kids.  I hope I’m making a difference in their lives. 

26. Went on a mission trip – Not as a student, but as a chaperone.  Kumar and I took a group from our Celebration church in California to an orphanage close to Ensenada, Mexico.  Although the group generally had a good time, I didn’t find the mission trip very worthwhile.  I’m not really a fan of short-term missions.  Jamie the very worstmissionary explains it best:

27. Never stopped learning - I love to learn.  In college I hung with a group of friends who really expanded my ideas about race, religion and identity.  Hearing people talk about their life experiences, as similar or as different as they might be, makes me feel like we are all connected.  My favorite book event is the LA Times Book fair, where I was fortunate enough to attend and sit in lectures next to near Chitra Divakaruni and Salmon Rushdie

28. Found my calling as an SLP – It was a path I didn’t plan out. I started out a Biology major (pre-med, like any good Indian child), but I found myself switching majors in my junior year, and it just clicked. I thank God every day that I found the career for me when I was just 20 years old. 

2

Turning 40 (part 1)

40 may be a no big deal birthday for many of you, but it makes me feel middle aged.  I’ve never really feared getting older, but there are many goals that I set for myself (formally and informally) when I hit other milestone birthdays such as 18, 21 and 30.  As I approach 40, I sometimes fear that “this is it.”  I may not be on the trajectory to meet some of my goals:  win an Olympic medal, write a book, retire on the Beach, and get my doctorate.  I know its not over yet, but even if I don’t meet those goals, I’ve accomplished many great things already.  In the spirit of being easier on myself, while also challenging myself to do something difficult (paradox, I know) I’ve decided that instead of whipping myself into a friendzy trying to accomplish the impossible in the next 3 days, I’m going to share 40 really amazing things that I’ve accomplished before I hit 40. 

1.     Told someone I loved them, first – When Kumar is doing something really annoying and I wonder why I ever married him, I try to remember that moment at the Baltimore Harbor in 1999.  I fell in love with him and wanted to be the first to say it, so I did.  And clearly it went well. 

2.     Had a baby– having a baby was/is the most incredible experience of my life. From conception to squeezing those kids out – the whole thing is a miracle that I was lucky to be a part of.  It makes me feel strong and proud to be a woman and have the ability to bring new lives into the world.

3.     Had “the talk” with my kids – Having a baby is natural, talking to your kids about where they came from, is not.   This was the year I’ve been dreading for the last 10 years.   I bought books, went to lectures, and when it came down to it – Jaelin read about it in her science book and didn’t really react. It didn’t go like I had hoped or planned.  Things have already been going differently with the other two.  They are asking questions way earlier and I’m comfortable enough to answer them honestly. The important thing is that we have an open relationship so that we can talk about sex without shame or embarrassment (even though there is plenty of laughing). 

4.     Sought treatment for depression – I struggled whether to disclose this publicly.  Although I know many people who struggle with depression, there is a part of me who says “I’m not CRAY-ZY!”  But the truth is, sometimes I am, and even though I tried to hide, it, many of you probably suspected.  After a particular a few years ago, I was forced by someone close to me (Kumar) to seek treatment, and I talked to my doctor.  I got on medication and it worked.  Life’s not easy  - why should I pretend that it is?  My happy pill is something that I need and use regularly to keep me balanced and sane, especially when life is hard and the sun is not shining. 

5.     Kept a journal – I was an avid journaler in high school.  It started out forced in Ms. Gevauden’s English class, but it soon became my way to vent, think through difficult situations and document my growth as a person.  I eventually stopped, but I’m glad (and sometime embarrassed) to have a record of those years in my life. 

6.     Made and kept friends – I’m an introvert and was pretty shy as a kid.  But somehow I’ve moved past that in the last 30 years.  In each new phase of my life, (middle school, high school, college, grad school, first job, etc.…) I’ve made a great group of friends.  Through the magic of Facebook and the Internet, I’m still friends with many of these people years later.  Although we don’t get to see each other regularly, I think of them often and thank God for what they’ve contributed to my life. 

7.     Learned to accept a compliment – “Oh no, my legs are fatter.”  “I’m not as good a runner as you.”  “It’s not that great.”  These comments were always coming out of my mouth.  At 40, I’m tired to comparisons and put-offs, now I just say “Thank you.”

8.     Ignored my first impression of someone – I’m a judger.  Sometimes I’m good at it – I can usually spot someone who is disingenuous or not safe around children.  But sometimes I’m just judging – in my head are thoughts like, “What is wrong with her hair? “ or “Why are they living in a hoarders house?”  Those thoughts are not worth keeping me away from someone. So I’ve been trying to just ignore the things I don’t understand about people, because we all have things that are great about us, and we all have things about us that are just weird.

9.     Appreciated my life – I grew up an immigrant, but mostly within a middle class bubble.  I went to private schools and had what I needed and a lot of what I wanted.  My first job, however, was doing home visits as an SLP in Baltimore City.  I went to some of the most horrendous of ghetto’s to do speech therapy with kids ranging from mild to almost comatose.  When I saw the condition of their lives, it made me appreciate mine. 

10. Had a courageous conversation with a friend – Have you had a blowout fight with a friend?  Or maybe just a misunderstanding that was never addressed but you are still angry about it?  Do you give up on the friendship or do you just fake it?  I’ve happy to saw that I’ve had a few courageous conversations with friends. Conversations where we laid out the rumors, what was said and done, and tried to work through it for the sake of a life long friendship.  In at least one of these conversations, the relationship was not only preserved, but also deepened.  I’m really proud of that conversation and the lifetime of true friendship that has resulted from it.

Training

Training for my mid life crisis- it’s the name of my blog but also (one of ) the focus of my life right now.  

 I’m a little obsessed with working out.  

Growing up, I was always a loser when it came to sports.  I’m not sure when it happened, probably puberty, maybe even before, but I was never good at anything physical. I was always one of the last people picked in PE. My heart would race in the WAY outfield when the ball would occasionally come my way. I still can’t do a cartwheel. Once my required semesters of PE were over in high school, my overall confidence grew. I was good at other things – academics, art, and writing.  I decided that I didn’t want or need sports in my life. My metabolism could handle it. I wasn’t in perfect shape but I wasn’t obese and I didn’t look particularly unhealthy.   So I went with that.

Fast-forward 20 years later, when my older daughter began elementary school and also became a voracious reader and artist.  She couldn’t do a cartwheel, and she decides that she no longer wants to play soccer.  She starts saying to me, “I hate PE. I’d rather read.”   At the same time, my own metabolism slowed down and I know that I need to do something active to look good.  I join a gym, but fitting in the classes I liked was impossible (working part-time, and dealing with kindergarten and preschool pickups and a tiny tantrumming toddler).  So I just walked on the treadmill.  Walking doesn’t require any skill, but it was something.  I knew I needed more cardio, so I start running. I signed up for a 5k and just ran, randomly, with no plan.  When the 5K came up, I did it with gusto (if gusto is huffing and puffing behind a sweet looking 65+ year old couple).  But it was fun (wearing a number bib and having that cool chip on my shoe) and motivating. 

The last few years I’ve been working that occasional 5k model. In my head I want to go farther, but my body is weak. I signed up for a tri a triathlon (20 min swim, 30 min cycle, 20 min run).  It’s a long story that ends with me dropping out to throw up in the hallway.  Time to give up?  Naaa.

Nope, it’s time to get serious.  I’m gonna be an athlete in my 40s, no matter how hard it is for me to pull it out of my soft, artistic and academic body.

So I’m training for my midlife crisis – actually I’m training for a 10k. This time I’m not just running willy-nilly. I’ve downloaded the Nike app; I’m running with people 2x a week.  I’m drinking weird shakes and monitoring my water intake.    Kumar thinks I’m crazy or obsessed (maybe both).  But the more I talk about it, the more I say it out load, the more likely I am to succeed.  I’m an athlete. 

Aging Positively

I remember my first negative obsession with aging.  It was the night before my 20^th birthday, and I was stressed about leaving my teens.  I was in college and basically in a good place in my life.  Well, maybe a not so good place in my life. I was just switching majors and giving up on my dream to be a doctor. (I couldn’t pass Chemistry).  I was just settling into life in college, making friends while being a commuter, dealing with the pressures of living at home as a first generation immigrant girl (i.e. Not allowed to do anything after 6pm).  But in retrospect, I had my whole life before me. If I were to believe what the media projects, I had the best years of my life before me – my 20s. 

Ten years later, another big birthday came along– 30.  This birthday was less significant to me.  I was married, had just bought a house, and had my first child.  I was pregnant with Eli (my 2^nd) and life was kind of what I imagined it to be (and wanted it to be) at 30.  In my mid thirties, I had my third child, a kind of last grab at those special new baby years.  In my eyes, I wasn’t old.  I remember going wedding dress shopping with my younger (10 years younger) cousin.  While watching her try on dresses, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, and I knew.  I was not young either.  I didn’t have that newly engaged glow and I would never get that back.     Now I look back again and think of my 30s as a special time – the best years of my life?  Nope. 

Here comes 40 – Forty is adulthood, no bones about it.  In my mind I still look and feel like I’m in my 20s until I actually see (and interact) someone in their 20s.  When did they get so young and weird?  I had some expectations for myself at age 40.  I expected to have my life together.  But here I am living in Canada of all places, residing in a rental home, not at the top of my game at work – actually no prospects for work in my field (still working through immigration), dealing with 3 smack talking kids and a stressed out husband.  Are these the best years of my life?  In some ways, it may be my best year.  Despite not meeting my “goals for adulthood”, I feel good about myself.  I’m in the best shape of my life – physically, emotionally and spiritually.  But I also now realize that all of those things run in cycles.  I’m on an upward spiral right now, but I know that even when I’m in a downward spiral, it won’t last forever.  Did I know that at 20? – nope.  Did I know that at 30?  Maybe a little, but I’m not sure I believed it.  So I’m going to stop thinking of aging as reaching just one peak (then over the hill and down). That only encourages you to look back at the moments before the peak as “the best” life will ever be.  Now I see life as a series of peaks each reaching higher and higher.   I know death may steal that ascent momentarily, but I believe in an afterlife  - so its all good.  New motto:  40 - It’s all good.