Turning 40 (part 1)

40 may be a no big deal birthday for many of you, but it makes me feel middle aged.  I’ve never really feared getting older, but there are many goals that I set for myself (formally and informally) when I hit other milestone birthdays such as 18, 21 and 30.  As I approach 40, I sometimes fear that “this is it.”  I may not be on the trajectory to meet some of my goals:  win an Olympic medal, write a book, retire on the Beach, and get my doctorate.  I know its not over yet, but even if I don’t meet those goals, I’ve accomplished many great things already.  In the spirit of being easier on myself, while also challenging myself to do something difficult (paradox, I know) I’ve decided that instead of whipping myself into a friendzy trying to accomplish the impossible in the next 3 days, I’m going to share 40 really amazing things that I’ve accomplished before I hit 40. 

1.     Told someone I loved them, first – When Kumar is doing something really annoying and I wonder why I ever married him, I try to remember that moment at the Baltimore Harbor in 1999.  I fell in love with him and wanted to be the first to say it, so I did.  And clearly it went well. 

2.     Had a baby– having a baby was/is the most incredible experience of my life. From conception to squeezing those kids out – the whole thing is a miracle that I was lucky to be a part of.  It makes me feel strong and proud to be a woman and have the ability to bring new lives into the world.

3.     Had “the talk” with my kids – Having a baby is natural, talking to your kids about where they came from, is not.   This was the year I’ve been dreading for the last 10 years.   I bought books, went to lectures, and when it came down to it – Jaelin read about it in her science book and didn’t really react. It didn’t go like I had hoped or planned.  Things have already been going differently with the other two.  They are asking questions way earlier and I’m comfortable enough to answer them honestly. The important thing is that we have an open relationship so that we can talk about sex without shame or embarrassment (even though there is plenty of laughing). 

4.     Sought treatment for depression – I struggled whether to disclose this publicly.  Although I know many people who struggle with depression, there is a part of me who says “I’m not CRAY-ZY!”  But the truth is, sometimes I am, and even though I tried to hide, it, many of you probably suspected.  After a particular a few years ago, I was forced by someone close to me (Kumar) to seek treatment, and I talked to my doctor.  I got on medication and it worked.  Life’s not easy  - why should I pretend that it is?  My happy pill is something that I need and use regularly to keep me balanced and sane, especially when life is hard and the sun is not shining. 

5.     Kept a journal – I was an avid journaler in high school.  It started out forced in Ms. Gevauden’s English class, but it soon became my way to vent, think through difficult situations and document my growth as a person.  I eventually stopped, but I’m glad (and sometime embarrassed) to have a record of those years in my life. 

6.     Made and kept friends – I’m an introvert and was pretty shy as a kid.  But somehow I’ve moved past that in the last 30 years.  In each new phase of my life, (middle school, high school, college, grad school, first job, etc.…) I’ve made a great group of friends.  Through the magic of Facebook and the Internet, I’m still friends with many of these people years later.  Although we don’t get to see each other regularly, I think of them often and thank God for what they’ve contributed to my life. 

7.     Learned to accept a compliment – “Oh no, my legs are fatter.”  “I’m not as good a runner as you.”  “It’s not that great.”  These comments were always coming out of my mouth.  At 40, I’m tired to comparisons and put-offs, now I just say “Thank you.”

8.     Ignored my first impression of someone – I’m a judger.  Sometimes I’m good at it – I can usually spot someone who is disingenuous or not safe around children.  But sometimes I’m just judging – in my head are thoughts like, “What is wrong with her hair? “ or “Why are they living in a hoarders house?”  Those thoughts are not worth keeping me away from someone. So I’ve been trying to just ignore the things I don’t understand about people, because we all have things that are great about us, and we all have things about us that are just weird.

9.     Appreciated my life – I grew up an immigrant, but mostly within a middle class bubble.  I went to private schools and had what I needed and a lot of what I wanted.  My first job, however, was doing home visits as an SLP in Baltimore City.  I went to some of the most horrendous of ghetto’s to do speech therapy with kids ranging from mild to almost comatose.  When I saw the condition of their lives, it made me appreciate mine. 

10. Had a courageous conversation with a friend – Have you had a blowout fight with a friend?  Or maybe just a misunderstanding that was never addressed but you are still angry about it?  Do you give up on the friendship or do you just fake it?  I’ve happy to saw that I’ve had a few courageous conversations with friends. Conversations where we laid out the rumors, what was said and done, and tried to work through it for the sake of a life long friendship.  In at least one of these conversations, the relationship was not only preserved, but also deepened.  I’m really proud of that conversation and the lifetime of true friendship that has resulted from it.