Aging Positively

I remember my first negative obsession with aging.  It was the night before my 20^th birthday, and I was stressed about leaving my teens.  I was in college and basically in a good place in my life.  Well, maybe a not so good place in my life. I was just switching majors and giving up on my dream to be a doctor. (I couldn’t pass Chemistry).  I was just settling into life in college, making friends while being a commuter, dealing with the pressures of living at home as a first generation immigrant girl (i.e. Not allowed to do anything after 6pm).  But in retrospect, I had my whole life before me. If I were to believe what the media projects, I had the best years of my life before me – my 20s. 

Ten years later, another big birthday came along– 30.  This birthday was less significant to me.  I was married, had just bought a house, and had my first child.  I was pregnant with Eli (my 2^nd) and life was kind of what I imagined it to be (and wanted it to be) at 30.  In my mid thirties, I had my third child, a kind of last grab at those special new baby years.  In my eyes, I wasn’t old.  I remember going wedding dress shopping with my younger (10 years younger) cousin.  While watching her try on dresses, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, and I knew.  I was not young either.  I didn’t have that newly engaged glow and I would never get that back.     Now I look back again and think of my 30s as a special time – the best years of my life?  Nope. 

Here comes 40 – Forty is adulthood, no bones about it.  In my mind I still look and feel like I’m in my 20s until I actually see (and interact) someone in their 20s.  When did they get so young and weird?  I had some expectations for myself at age 40.  I expected to have my life together.  But here I am living in Canada of all places, residing in a rental home, not at the top of my game at work – actually no prospects for work in my field (still working through immigration), dealing with 3 smack talking kids and a stressed out husband.  Are these the best years of my life?  In some ways, it may be my best year.  Despite not meeting my “goals for adulthood”, I feel good about myself.  I’m in the best shape of my life – physically, emotionally and spiritually.  But I also now realize that all of those things run in cycles.  I’m on an upward spiral right now, but I know that even when I’m in a downward spiral, it won’t last forever.  Did I know that at 20? – nope.  Did I know that at 30?  Maybe a little, but I’m not sure I believed it.  So I’m going to stop thinking of aging as reaching just one peak (then over the hill and down). That only encourages you to look back at the moments before the peak as “the best” life will ever be.  Now I see life as a series of peaks each reaching higher and higher.   I know death may steal that ascent momentarily, but I believe in an afterlife  - so its all good.  New motto:  40 - It’s all good.