Mama's got a life.

“Mom, now that you are done the Sun Run, I hope we get our regular mom back. ”   

 You mean the one jumped out of bed every morning to make you breakfast and pack special lunches with heart shaped sandwiches?  The one who picked out your matching outfits and left them out for you?  The one who made you creative valentine cards and Halloween costumes and spent hours scheduling your afterschool activities and play dates?

 That mom is dead.

 Sorry kids.  She was bustin’ her butt trying to be “supermom” - putting everything that she had into chasing the illusion of the Pinterest perfect life, and she just keeled over.  It was a short unfulfilling life full of excitement and energy for everyone but me, and its over now, guys. I want my life back. 

 I didn't begin motherhood as a full-time stay at home mom. Eight weeks after Jaelin was born, I went back to work. I considered myself lucky to work part-time throughout their baby and preschool years.  Part-time, because we needed the money, but also part-time because early on, I knew that I wasn’t “called” into full-time mommy hood.  I enjoyed play dates and cooking from scratch, but I also enjoyed the camaraderie of work friends and the fulfillment of a progress note that showed I was having an impact on a student.  It was a balance that was precarious at best.  It took a village (including Kumar, my parents and his mom, and a variety of gracious friends and neighbors) to make it work for 10 years.  But it worked, I worked and we all worked together. 

 Then we moved to Canada.  Due to issues with immigration, the school year started with me as a full-time stay at home mom.  I went through some lows (getting to my new Canadian normal), but when the fog lifted, I decided to push ahead full steam.  I’m staying at home full time, when my kids are all in school.  This could be fun, right?

 I’m a doer – so  I threw myself into motherhood and at first it was fulfilling, kind of.  I liked seeing my kids nicely dressed and coiffed every morning. I liked hearing stories of their friends turning green with envy over their amazing lunches.  I began categorizing their artwork and making granola bars from scratch.  I learned to sew.  Then I realized that this kind of motherhood never ends, and it is rarely appreciated.  My efforts didn’t make my kids super excited a to have such a great mother. Not even Kumar appreciated my DIY window shades and neck wraps. I was on this spiral of living like I’m being photographed for Pinterest, and it was not fulfilling.

 I needed time for myself.  Luckily when my birthday came around, I had a reason put myself first.  I scheduled me time –book club dinners once a month, volunteer SLP work, running three days a week – things that made me happy, but also gave me time to think about what I wanted out of motherhood and what I needed out of life.  It also included some cooking and baking (but I focused on food that enhanced my healthier lifestyle).  They weren’t all hits with the family– no one is thrilled to have spinach, oatmeal and flaxseed in the smoothies that I once garnished with whipped cream.  But there is some sort of balance now.

 Once you learn something (like how much fat and sugar are in Eggo waffles), you can’t unlearn it.  That mama is gone.  Jaelin, Eli and Wilo may not like the new me right now, but they’ll learn to like her.  It’s gonna take some getting used to, but the time has come. 

 My children are not babies anymore. Just because I’m “home all day”, doesn’t mean that I will walk around the house picking up their socks from the floor. I’m finally zeroing in on what “mothering” really means.  Everyone says, “Enjoy this time with your kids, it won’t last forever.”  It’s true.  Mothering means teaching these little humans the skills that they will need long after they leave my nest.

Do I want them to know how to color coordinate their outfits or how to do their own laundry? 

Do they need to know how to make a rainbow cake or a healthy breakfast?

Should they learn how to nag their partners or negotiate and compromise at home?

 My kids see what I spend my time doing, and learn what’s important to me.  When they grow up and have their own homes, they will remember how I mothered.  So I’m being more purposeful with my time. The Dixit kids will now be washing their own dishes, folding and putting away their own clothes, running with me, and packing their own nutritious, delicious lunches.  Kumar will be pitching in too.  We no longer has his parents and mine to pick up the slack when I’m working or sick or just need a break. 

 We’re on our own, and its time to grow up.  Mama’s got a life.

 (which may or may not include an occasional Reese’s bottom cheesecake)

http://foodsweet.com/reeses-bottom-cheesecake/