Being Real

I am a Jesus feminist.  I know that’s immediately going to turn some people off to this post.  Both words have negative and positive connotations to some people – but bear with me.   

What does “Jesus Feminist” mean? 

Yes, I stalked Sarah Bessey to get this photo

 

 It’s a title of a book - “Jesus Feminist” by Sarah Bessey (who I have such a mind crush on right now).  While reading it, all of a sudden I have the words to describe what I’ve been thinking and feeling my whole life about men and women and families and religion. 

To some “feminist” means “man hater” or a variety of other disparaging terms (that I prefer not to use in print).  That’s not me.  In some ways, I think I’m quite traditional.  But what I currently believe the Bible says about men and women – it’s not very traditional.   These views/ my beliefs affect my relationship with my spouse.  Lately, I’ve been thinking about what a feminist like me, wants from her partner?   I know, I’m well past choosing a partner.  God already chose one for me and I’m 14 years into a good, but sometimes exhausting, marriage.  It’s sometimes exhausting because life itself is often exhausting.  It’s also especially tough because I haven’t always been able to explain what is it I want: out of life, out of my work, out of parenthood and out of marriage.

I am a Christian woman born after the women’s liberation movement.  I am well educated, a born overachiever who has always been committed to Christianity.  I grew up in the church and believed most of what it taught me about life (no sex before marriage, drinking and drugs are bad, women should let their husbands rule the home).  I’ve tried to live up to those standards, but underneath it all, I felt unsafe with the idea of a hierarchy of sin that allows us [the church] to judge who is good and who is not. 

We are all sinners.  My sins are not your sins. We all sin and I will let God work on the sin in your life, just as I hope you will let him work on the sins in mine. 

So I started trying to live authentically.  I believe in the grace message of salvation.   I try to not be a “stumbling block” to others, but to some, this is my rebellious phase.  But God gave me a brain and I’m pretty sure he expects me to use it.  What does that mean to me?  I value and sometimes sacrifice for my family yet I am happiest when I a hold job outside the home. I feel just as comfortable at a Women of Faith conference (which I find slightly cheesy) as I am a Justin Timberlake concert (which I find slightly offensive).  I try to balance that line between Christianity and culture as I try to grow in my spiritual journey.  And I know I’m not alone.  Many of you are with me, but still afraid to say it.  You might be reluctant to offend the traditionalists around you– and I get that.  You are not there yet in your journey.  I may make some people, including my husband, cringe, when I wear jewelry or eat meat, or speak up at ministry meetings, but that’s me – the true me.  When you live one way at home (or even in your head) and one way in front of other people, it makes you crazy.  I’d rather be real. 

Being real is changing my marriage. It’s changing my friendships.  It’s probably going to change my work and my health and my life.  Life is integrated that way. My life is not always congruent with my beliefs– I still experience cognitive dissonance, but I’m working on that. 

But back to the question – what do I want in a lifelong partner?  I want a suitable helper.  God made me to be man’s perfect match, and I want my husband to be woman’s perfect match. 

 Kumar and I are a match, not yet a match made in heaven, but a match made on earth.  We each have strengths and weaknesses, some of which overlap. In some areas, we are both puny weaklings (i.e. athletically) and we both need to step it up to have a healthy family.  We cannot complete or even complement each other without God’s help. 

John Burns, a local pastor, here in British Columbia, said this at a conference recently, “A man will love WHO you are before he ever meets you.  So live for God and one day you’ll look alongside you and if you notice him, and he can keep up with you, he’s it.”  

My purpose has never come from my spouse.  He doesn’t heal all of my past hurts or fulfill my every need.  That hole in my heart was never a man shaped hole – it was a God shaped whole.  My purpose can only come from God.

 And as I find my purpose for this phase of life, I don’t need a man who is my “wife.”  (In the traditional, Evangelical sense to me, that “wife” is a person who takes care of the home, raises the kids, and supports their spouses’ CALLING.)  I don’t need a full-time chef, housekeeper, nanny or servant who will let me dictate our life together.  I don’t want a man who can just keep up with the great things that God wants me to do. 

I need a man who runs with me.  He can occasionally lag behind (I need to practice patience too) and sometimes he can pass me (as men often do in the world right now with their salaries, their positions and their voices in business, church and life), but then look back – and give me a boost or a hand up or whatever it takes to be running side by side in this race of life.  That’s my man.