Offended!

Lately I’ve been part of a few courageous conversations.  For an introvert like me, being on either end of one of those difficult conversations is uncomfortable at best.  When I know an important “talk” is coming, I’d rather play possum under the covers.  It’s passive aggressive -  I know.  I’ve already learned the lesson that passive aggression hurts everyone around me.  I’m working on it – thus the courageous conversations.

On both ends of an effective courageous conversation, I have to formulate and edit my responses, trying to share my feelings without offending others.  Just in case you’ve never met me – I can be offensive.  * Sigh * I hope this is a surprise to someone.  Words are my superpower , but also my kryptonite. 

I believe that honest conversations are necessary between people who love each other.  Sure, there are some people to whom I recite “Hihowareyoui’mfine," each day without thinking or feeling – that’s me being polite, and maybe even a little fake.  But I treasure my close friendships.  To the people who I text and talk to every day, I want to be brave enough to share my problems with you and get real feedback. 

That’s what my mind says. It’s what I know that I need (NEED: healthy food vs. WANT:  French fries), but how can I be prepared to really hear criticism? I don’t want to hear criticism.  I’d much rather ignore it.  I’m thin-skinned.  As a kid (and sometimes as an adult), I had my feeling hurt easily and often.  In my head, there are times when I feel like everyone is out to get me.  Yesterday, even my Bible app offended me-  

“ In this all-out match against sin, others have suffered far worse than you, to say nothing of what Jesus went through—all that bloodshed! So don’t feel sorry for yourselves.”                      Hebrews 12:11 Message

My pity party was foiled again by the verse of the day on You Version!  I love it when you speak to me, but then you had to go and offer criticism.  Not just a little criticism, you had to pull out the Jesus card.  OUCH!   

I get it, according to that standard, no one on earth should be complaining about their suffering.  But I’m not 100% God. I’m 100% human and criticism at its best (the truth shared gently with love) hurts my feelings.  So here’s what I’m trying to do.  Feel the hurt. Then wait.  Wait for the pain to pass, and then address the criticism. 

Some of you are thinking, YES – finally she’s advocating revenge!  Nope.  No revenge needed.  I’m saying that you should address the criticism as a way to improve yourself – not the other person. 

When I think back to the hurts of my school years I realize that some of that criticism was valid, and some of it wasn’t about me.  That’s the beauty of wait time.  Time allows you to sort through the emotions, and determine if there is a grain of truth in that criticism that needs to be sorted out. (Time also allows you to just blow off comments that are just plain mean.) Hopefully you don’t have to wait 25 years to work on areas in your life that need work. But time and distance does lesson the emotional hurt of painful criticism.  

I know that there are areas in my life that could use some improvement.  There was a time when I just accepted those areas as weaknesses and moved on.  I kept doing the things that I did well with the hopes of being an expert in something. That logic does not produce a well-rounded person.  Even though God may grant us talent in one area, he also gives us bodies and minds that are whole.  Even though I’m good with my hands, he gave me two feet.  He gave me (basic) math skills, even though I love language. 

God multiplies our talents when we use them efficiently.  Yes, he can help us get better and better at just one thing.  He can also give us new and exciting talents to discover, if we are open to trying new things.  If we are open to failure and criticism, we can live complete, happy lives with talent oozing out of every appendage.  I don’t have to be just a good mother, or just a good speech-language pathologist. With God’s support, some action on my part, and maybe a tiny bit a criticism, I can also be a unique writer, a remarkable artist, an exhilarated skier, a melodious singer, a jubilant dancer… who knows?  The possibilities are endless.  Life is more than growing in a straight line; it’s flourishing, and living wholly in the fullness of God’s grace. 

Being Brave

I’m a scaredy cat. Ever since I can remember, there were many things that I was afraid of:   the dark, worms on the sidewalk, roller coasters.  Some of those fears I’ve conquered.  But with the years came new fears: speaking in public, playing sports, taking off my cover-up on the beach, moving to another country. I keep trying to slay those dragons, but I’ve never felt invincible. I think of all the worst case scenarios and it’s always a stretch for me to face my fears. 

As an adult, I think I’ve pushed through some of my biggest fears in the last year.  And now, after going through some valleys, I’m standing at one of the many peaks of my life.  I’ve gotta show you the view.    

Jaelin, Eli and Wilo riding to the peak of Whistler Mtn.

 

A few months ago, Kumar met with a church member for lunch. This church member, Jeff, tells the story of  how he told God (before the meeting), “Whatever this new pastor asks, he’ll get 3 yeses.”  I laugh when Jeff tells this story, but when I sit down and think about it, it’s the scariest thing I can imagine  - 3 unequivocal yeses? to someone you barely know?!!

The introvert in me says, “That’s crazy!”

The scaredy cat says, “That’s dangerous! 

The skeptic in me says, ‘That’s just stupid!”

But Jeff must have really trusted God with this new pastor (He clearly didn't know Kumar yet), and at that meeting, he gave Kumar 3 yeses.

One of the things that Jeff ended up agreeing to was baptism.  This wasn't a lunchtime convert. Jeff is a long-time church attender.  He participated fully at church and considered himself an Adventist.  I don’t think God required an actual water baptism for Jeff to be saved. I think he was already saved.  But when Jeff was baptized just a few weeks later, people at the church began to see Jeff differently.  Even though Jeff had sat and served with them for more than 10 years, they began treating him like a new Christian – with all of the grace and love that new Christians are allowed.  This was very different than the way that we lifetime Adventists treat each other (“You are family, so let me tell you what I really think of you.”) and completely different than the way we treat visitors(“I’ll be kind and polite, but I'm not going to invest in you as part of my family”).  I’m not sure if God had Jeff get baptized for himself or for us – in the end it was for everybody. 

As Christians, we are supposed to be making the decision to be saved, the decision to live for Jesus, every day.  Every day, I’m a new Christian, and if you choose Him every day, you are too. Don’t you want to be treated as such?    

Do you remember that “day you got baptized feeling”?  It’s like the new baby (or new car) smell – so full of love and potential and dreams to be fulfilled.  God has those dreams for us, not just on that first day that we’ve accepted him into our lives.  God’s sense of time is different that our understanding of time on earth.  He has hope for us every day.  He probably has new aspirations for us every hour or every second.  When we say, “no thanks”, he keeps asking.  When we choose a different path, he clears new routes to a life fulfilled.  I once heard Dr. Tsabary, a parenting expert, say, “We must love our children into their greatness.”  God, my heavenly father and mother, is loving me into greatness every day.

And now, at this peak (a sunny day in my new home country)  I can firmly say when you put aside your fears and allow God work in your life  – he will take your farther and further than you ever thought that you would go.  He will surprise you with awesome opportunities, funny new friends, and exciting adventures.  Before you know it, you will be happier than you thought possible. Do I sound like Dr. Seuss?  It’s true. 

Every time I cross the border (to pick up mail and Cheese Itz), the US Customs officer asks “Why would you move to Canada?”  and Kumar says “God.”  We believe that God has called us here.  It was years in the making, cause God knows that I move s-l-o-w-l-y. We believed when the seed was first planted during camp meeting in 2012. We believed a little deeper when were asked asked to interview here 18 months later.  We believed more fully when we visited, when we accepted, and when friends sent us pictures of a comfortable home.  There were moments of doubt – looking for schools, saying good-bye to Maryland, arguing with Canadian officials at the border.  No, it hasn’t been a perfect transition, but is anything in this life truly perfect?  Now almost one year later- when I’m frustrated with my new life, I have to think back and remember when I first believed that God was calling me to go somewhere new.  If I really am called, I have to trust that he will do a good work in the life He has created for me. 

I have to take the trust I have in myself – my education, my abilities, my connections and fully lay that trust in God. I have to be brave. 

It’s my word of the year, my song of a year, the lyrics on my heart as I travel through my day and dream about my future.

 This year, I believe, God wants me to be brave. Bravery is not stupidity.  I’m too much of a nervous nelly to go into something new without research and planning.  And I’ too much of a skeptic to not ask God for confirmation over and over again before I try something brave. He doesn’t try to “fix” those things within me – he works with me, and loves me until I trust enough to take even one tiny step. I love that about Him.

I think its obvious that I love to write – this blog helps me clarify my values and my feelings on important things (and some unimportant things).  I enjoy putting words to paper.  But why do I share it with you on the internet?  Am I looking for a book deal?  Do I want to be rich and famous?  Maybe one day those things will hold some value to me, but right now, I write because I love you – my readers.  “My readers” – it sounds like a fan club or something. You are not my “fans” like the Backstreet boys have fans.  (I won’t be sending you T-shirts).  My readers are my friends, my family, people I’ve connected with in some way.  I’ve shared so much with so many of you in personal, private conversations, back and forth text messages, and long heartfelt emails.  Many of you know my heart and read these words in my voice. 

I love you and want you to be brave too.

 

It’s scary.

You think God might not catch you.

He might lead you to do something really hard.

You don’t want Him to teach you patience or forgiveness.  I don’t want to learn those things the hard way, either.

But all of those catchy phrases (i.e. Bible verses) are true…. 

trust on the Lord and lean not to your own understanding,

you can do all things through Christ,

in all things God works for good in those who love him and are called according to his purpose.

Be brave – taste and see that the Lord is good. It’s worth it.

Being Real

I am a Jesus feminist.  I know that’s immediately going to turn some people off to this post.  Both words have negative and positive connotations to some people – but bear with me.   

What does “Jesus Feminist” mean? 

Yes, I stalked Sarah Bessey to get this photo

 

 It’s a title of a book - “Jesus Feminist” by Sarah Bessey (who I have such a mind crush on right now).  While reading it, all of a sudden I have the words to describe what I’ve been thinking and feeling my whole life about men and women and families and religion. 

To some “feminist” means “man hater” or a variety of other disparaging terms (that I prefer not to use in print).  That’s not me.  In some ways, I think I’m quite traditional.  But what I currently believe the Bible says about men and women – it’s not very traditional.   These views/ my beliefs affect my relationship with my spouse.  Lately, I’ve been thinking about what a feminist like me, wants from her partner?   I know, I’m well past choosing a partner.  God already chose one for me and I’m 14 years into a good, but sometimes exhausting, marriage.  It’s sometimes exhausting because life itself is often exhausting.  It’s also especially tough because I haven’t always been able to explain what is it I want: out of life, out of my work, out of parenthood and out of marriage.

I am a Christian woman born after the women’s liberation movement.  I am well educated, a born overachiever who has always been committed to Christianity.  I grew up in the church and believed most of what it taught me about life (no sex before marriage, drinking and drugs are bad, women should let their husbands rule the home).  I’ve tried to live up to those standards, but underneath it all, I felt unsafe with the idea of a hierarchy of sin that allows us [the church] to judge who is good and who is not. 

We are all sinners.  My sins are not your sins. We all sin and I will let God work on the sin in your life, just as I hope you will let him work on the sins in mine. 

So I started trying to live authentically.  I believe in the grace message of salvation.   I try to not be a “stumbling block” to others, but to some, this is my rebellious phase.  But God gave me a brain and I’m pretty sure he expects me to use it.  What does that mean to me?  I value and sometimes sacrifice for my family yet I am happiest when I a hold job outside the home. I feel just as comfortable at a Women of Faith conference (which I find slightly cheesy) as I am a Justin Timberlake concert (which I find slightly offensive).  I try to balance that line between Christianity and culture as I try to grow in my spiritual journey.  And I know I’m not alone.  Many of you are with me, but still afraid to say it.  You might be reluctant to offend the traditionalists around you– and I get that.  You are not there yet in your journey.  I may make some people, including my husband, cringe, when I wear jewelry or eat meat, or speak up at ministry meetings, but that’s me – the true me.  When you live one way at home (or even in your head) and one way in front of other people, it makes you crazy.  I’d rather be real. 

Being real is changing my marriage. It’s changing my friendships.  It’s probably going to change my work and my health and my life.  Life is integrated that way. My life is not always congruent with my beliefs– I still experience cognitive dissonance, but I’m working on that. 

But back to the question – what do I want in a lifelong partner?  I want a suitable helper.  God made me to be man’s perfect match, and I want my husband to be woman’s perfect match. 

 Kumar and I are a match, not yet a match made in heaven, but a match made on earth.  We each have strengths and weaknesses, some of which overlap. In some areas, we are both puny weaklings (i.e. athletically) and we both need to step it up to have a healthy family.  We cannot complete or even complement each other without God’s help. 

John Burns, a local pastor, here in British Columbia, said this at a conference recently, “A man will love WHO you are before he ever meets you.  So live for God and one day you’ll look alongside you and if you notice him, and he can keep up with you, he’s it.”  

My purpose has never come from my spouse.  He doesn’t heal all of my past hurts or fulfill my every need.  That hole in my heart was never a man shaped hole – it was a God shaped whole.  My purpose can only come from God.

 And as I find my purpose for this phase of life, I don’t need a man who is my “wife.”  (In the traditional, Evangelical sense to me, that “wife” is a person who takes care of the home, raises the kids, and supports their spouses’ CALLING.)  I don’t need a full-time chef, housekeeper, nanny or servant who will let me dictate our life together.  I don’t want a man who can just keep up with the great things that God wants me to do. 

I need a man who runs with me.  He can occasionally lag behind (I need to practice patience too) and sometimes he can pass me (as men often do in the world right now with their salaries, their positions and their voices in business, church and life), but then look back – and give me a boost or a hand up or whatever it takes to be running side by side in this race of life.  That’s my man. 

In Honour of All of the Mothers

Mothering is not just for mothers.  It’s for all of us.  

When you really think about it, we all mother - single women and men, senior citizens, girls and boys - according to the gifts God has given us.

Genesis1:27 says that in the beginning God created humans in His image. And God describes himself throughout the Bible in masculine and feminine ways.  In Psalm 17:8, he mothers us under his wing .  In Deuteronomy 8:5, he fathers us with discipline (or vice versa if that is your family dynamic). Neither is wrong, we parent with all of the strengths He has gifted us with.  Does God only give the gifts of love, nurture, and culinary skills to women?  No more than he gives the gifts of physical strength, brains, and leadership to men. 

Most people agree that mothering is not defined by the act of giving birth.  On Mothers Day many churches and organizations honor women who adopt children, raise foster children or even miscarry in their pregnancies.  Is their love any less for those children?  As Christians we strive to love one another every day.  Every day, I watch many children "mother" my children- from the crossing guards at school to the cashier at Trader Joe's who passes out stickers. Stand up and be proud, you are a mother too.  Your love, acceptance, care and protection for those around you deserve to be acknowledged also.

 To teachers – You wipe tears and kiss boo boos, you produce learning, laughter, a big floppy hat decorated with colored flowers and feathers.

Mother's Day hat that Wilo made me

 To those who sit around me in church - You grace us with Skittles instead of disapproving stares, you return our rolling crayons instead of rolling your eyes, and you often follow us into the parking lot with a forgotten jacket or stuffed bunny.

 To my children -who read bedtime stories, provide homework help, and give playground advice.  They mother each other while I mother them back  (turn off the light and go to sleep).

Jaelin mothered Wilo from the day that she was born.

To the single dads, who mother their girls and boys with loving affection cooking animal pancakes, creating elaborate updos for wacky hair day, and making friendship bracelets after school. You are no less of a man through "mothering" - you are more like God. 

Kumar loves mothering all of the kids he meets.

  






Motherhood is not about mothers or even women. It is about Jesus’ love, his extreme and ultimate love that inspires us to share the experience of salvation with others.

 Motherhood is that tenderness and affection which God gives to each of us. Instead of celebrating a holiday that honors less than half of us here on earth, let us use this day to honor the affection and protection that is the core of motherhood.

 Let us honor the source of motherhood:  God’s love, from whom all creation, love and blessings flow.

Mama's got a life.

“Mom, now that you are done the Sun Run, I hope we get our regular mom back. ”   

 You mean the one jumped out of bed every morning to make you breakfast and pack special lunches with heart shaped sandwiches?  The one who picked out your matching outfits and left them out for you?  The one who made you creative valentine cards and Halloween costumes and spent hours scheduling your afterschool activities and play dates?

 That mom is dead.

 Sorry kids.  She was bustin’ her butt trying to be “supermom” - putting everything that she had into chasing the illusion of the Pinterest perfect life, and she just keeled over.  It was a short unfulfilling life full of excitement and energy for everyone but me, and its over now, guys. I want my life back. 

 I didn't begin motherhood as a full-time stay at home mom. Eight weeks after Jaelin was born, I went back to work. I considered myself lucky to work part-time throughout their baby and preschool years.  Part-time, because we needed the money, but also part-time because early on, I knew that I wasn’t “called” into full-time mommy hood.  I enjoyed play dates and cooking from scratch, but I also enjoyed the camaraderie of work friends and the fulfillment of a progress note that showed I was having an impact on a student.  It was a balance that was precarious at best.  It took a village (including Kumar, my parents and his mom, and a variety of gracious friends and neighbors) to make it work for 10 years.  But it worked, I worked and we all worked together. 

 Then we moved to Canada.  Due to issues with immigration, the school year started with me as a full-time stay at home mom.  I went through some lows (getting to my new Canadian normal), but when the fog lifted, I decided to push ahead full steam.  I’m staying at home full time, when my kids are all in school.  This could be fun, right?

 I’m a doer – so  I threw myself into motherhood and at first it was fulfilling, kind of.  I liked seeing my kids nicely dressed and coiffed every morning. I liked hearing stories of their friends turning green with envy over their amazing lunches.  I began categorizing their artwork and making granola bars from scratch.  I learned to sew.  Then I realized that this kind of motherhood never ends, and it is rarely appreciated.  My efforts didn’t make my kids super excited a to have such a great mother. Not even Kumar appreciated my DIY window shades and neck wraps. I was on this spiral of living like I’m being photographed for Pinterest, and it was not fulfilling.

 I needed time for myself.  Luckily when my birthday came around, I had a reason put myself first.  I scheduled me time –book club dinners once a month, volunteer SLP work, running three days a week – things that made me happy, but also gave me time to think about what I wanted out of motherhood and what I needed out of life.  It also included some cooking and baking (but I focused on food that enhanced my healthier lifestyle).  They weren’t all hits with the family– no one is thrilled to have spinach, oatmeal and flaxseed in the smoothies that I once garnished with whipped cream.  But there is some sort of balance now.

 Once you learn something (like how much fat and sugar are in Eggo waffles), you can’t unlearn it.  That mama is gone.  Jaelin, Eli and Wilo may not like the new me right now, but they’ll learn to like her.  It’s gonna take some getting used to, but the time has come. 

 My children are not babies anymore. Just because I’m “home all day”, doesn’t mean that I will walk around the house picking up their socks from the floor. I’m finally zeroing in on what “mothering” really means.  Everyone says, “Enjoy this time with your kids, it won’t last forever.”  It’s true.  Mothering means teaching these little humans the skills that they will need long after they leave my nest.

Do I want them to know how to color coordinate their outfits or how to do their own laundry? 

Do they need to know how to make a rainbow cake or a healthy breakfast?

Should they learn how to nag their partners or negotiate and compromise at home?

 My kids see what I spend my time doing, and learn what’s important to me.  When they grow up and have their own homes, they will remember how I mothered.  So I’m being more purposeful with my time. The Dixit kids will now be washing their own dishes, folding and putting away their own clothes, running with me, and packing their own nutritious, delicious lunches.  Kumar will be pitching in too.  We no longer has his parents and mine to pick up the slack when I’m working or sick or just need a break. 

 We’re on our own, and its time to grow up.  Mama’s got a life.

 (which may or may not include an occasional Reese’s bottom cheesecake)

http://foodsweet.com/reeses-bottom-cheesecake/