Pastors Wives 101

***Warning **** This is a snarky post. If you can't take a joke, or do not understand sarcasm, please do not read my blog.  It will only make both of us unhappy.   

Kumar and I have been married for 15 years this November, and although we haven’t moved around excessively, I’ve gotten pretty good at judging up the many pastoral couples that I meet.  I know judging people is wrong, but if you don’t size up who you are talking to, especially in the world of Christianity, you are likely to offend or be offended pretty quickly.  For you newbies for pastoral ministry, or just laypeople who like watching us in our front row pew, here’s my take on the different types of pastor’s wives in North America:

The Clueless pastor’s wife – She’s happy go lucky, doing whatever her heart desires.  She didn’t think twice about marrying a pastor, because she was never aware of people’s judging eyes on her too short skirt or nasty remarks about her husband’s sermon.  She may not know and definitely doesn’t care about people’s expectations.  She doesn’t know about women’s retreat, or hasn’t the first clue on how to teach children’s Sabbath school and didn’t think twice about bringing fried chicken for potluck. 

The Angry pastor’s wife – She grew up in the age of women’s liberation but found herself stuck at home with the kids while her husband accepts call after call to a new position.  She has too many degrees to enjoy the time off, driving to church with her husband, putting up bulletin boards and going out for tea with church members.  She does it grudgingly.  She says she’s authentic, but she may just be rebellious.  It’s kind of obvious when she’s wearing a leather skinny jeans and a tattoo that says, “Wanna a piece of me?”  If she catches you making any comments about her, she will call you out.  Be afraid.

The Stepford pastor’s wife – She’s always perfect, unassuming, gentle and agreeable: “Yes, of course you can invite people over at the last minute.  You’ve been away all week and I’m tired from prayer meeting until midnight at our house last night, and I played the piano for first service and taught a lesson for the Sabbath school teacher who didn’t show up, but I’ll pull something out of the fridge and make it work.  Sabbath is for serving? “

The Mysterious pastor’s wife – She’s rarely seen, except for a few minutes each Sabbath.  She’s probably sleeping in and taking a separate car to make it for the last 20 minutes of her hubby’s sermon.  Sometimes she hides in the pastor’s office, so she doesn’t have to make awkward conversations with church members who want to give her husband a message, banana bread or a new book on the antichrist. 

This pastor’s wife may be away for weeks on end, taking care of an even more mysterious aging parent or frail child.  

The Enthusiastic pastor’s wife – This woman is not afraid of the microphone.  Most extroverted pastor’s wives share the pulpit with the pastor as a pastoral couple.  They preach in skirt suits or pant suits and high heels, strutting their stuff on stage and banging the fist on the podium.  If this pastor’s wife is in the pew during her husband’s sermon, she isn’t afraid to yell out an “Amen” or a correction to a personal story.  In fact, she might be mic-ed in her pew, and if the sermon is videotaped or live streamed, the camera is on her like Taylor Swift at the Grammies.  

Stop being offended and enjoy my sarcastic sense of humour.  We are all terrible and all wonderful….in our own ways. I love them all and so should you.

All or None

As I lay in bed tears leaking from my eyes about what’s going on at the General Conference session, I like many of my peers, thought about what my response can be.  I thought about how there are administrators that I admire and administrators that I loathe.  There are pastors that I respect and pastors that I dislike.  There are people in my life that I treasure and people I try to stay away from.  Relationships between sinners are difficult like that.

Although the World Church chose to not to allow divisions to make their own decisions about women's ordination in the  SDA church, for me, I believe all Christians are ordained to be ministers to our congregations of family, friends and acquaintances. 

I’ve written about this before, but the pastor of my church has rarely been the person who leads me to Christ, convicts me in times of (what I thought was) righteous anger, or counsels me in times of hardship. 

1 Peter 4:9 “But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.”

Martin Luther used the zeal of this message to spark the reformation and the birth of Protestantism. (http://www.nacministers.com/priesthood-of-all-believers)  In the Old Testament, only priests were allowed access to God, through the entering of “the holy place.”  When Jesus died, that veil was torn as a signal that we all have direct access to God.  It’s why we are Protestant.  It is why, although I like what I’ve seen of Pope Francis, I do not think he is the supreme spiritual leader of the church with the power to control church doctrine.  

Only God convicts each and every one of us of our callings and our sins.  The Adventist church holds the priesthood of believers as one our central beliefs.  There are some within the church who even suggest baptism is ordination.  (https://adventistbiblicalresearch.org/sites/default/files/pdf/Edwards-Priesthood_of_believers.pd)

Not only does that make sense Biblically, it would solve the argument within our denomination right now.  So what should my response be to the hateful comments I see and hear on social media today?  

My own response has to go back to my own convictions and my own call to ministry as a busy, loving, serving member, a minister, of my church. 

One again, I thank God for the ministers who I see serving daily in the lives of those around me:

-The child who brings an ice pack to the bully to harassed him on the playground.

-The couple that share their home with the blind woman who has nowhere to live.

-The father who lovingly cares of his severely disabled adult son.

-The daughter who rushes to her father’s bedside without holding the grudge of physical and mental abuse she dealt with 30 years ago.

-The woman who drives her friend to the emergency room and the police station, again, because of an argument at home.

-The wife who takes in the illegitimate children of her husband because she committed to loving him now and forever, regardless of his past. 

These, along with whoever is speaking at the pulpit this week, are the people ordained by God. These people may not get paid by the conference or thanks during Pastor’s appreciation month in October, but they are the mothers, fathers, children, sisters and brothers who love, give and sacrifice but rarely complain.

If the Bible is true, we are all ordained or none of us are. 

Acts 4: 10 "Once you were not a people, but now you are the people of God; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy."

To the many pastors around me, who are ordained by God.  Thank you for your love. Thank you for your ministry.

Five Things Your Pastor’s Wife Wants You to Know

1.   Stop talking about church  - Some pastors try not to socialize with their parishioners, but for me, the majority my friends are friends that I made at church; but that is not the only thing we have in common.  We can talk about current events, TV, music, movies, and food – I love many of the same things that “normal” people do.  If we are getting together and it’s not a church function, let’s have a “no church-talk” policy.  Let's be people of many talents and interests, and we’ll be better friends in the end.

      2.  Give me some breathing room on Sabbath.  When my husband steps into church, he’s on pastor mode and gets to work greeting, downloading his slides, doing last minute counseling, etc. That's what he's paid to do.  When I step into church, I am the harried single parent – The second I walk in, I am trying to keep track of 3 kids who are sometimes slapping each other, running in different directions and collecting candy from the greeters.  I’m usually carrying a casserole for potluck, gathering supplies for Sabbath school classes, and praying that the teachers show up. If my husband is speaking, during the sermon, I have corral the kids, keep them quiet and not crawling over and under the pews (yes, even seven year olds do this! WHY???), and smile good-naturedly while my husband shares personal stories of our life.  Sabbath morning is not the best time to invite me to your Tupperware party or give me a receipt that has to get to the church treasurer.  I love going to church, but Sabbaths are exhausting for an introvert like me – even if I get a nap on Saturday afternoon I probably won’t remember what you said/gave to me until Sunday morning.

      3.  Don’t introduce me as “the pastor’s wife” –This happens to me not only at church, but also at parties, the grocery store and at my kids’ school.  Last year someone actually introduced me “Mrs. Pastor Kumar.”  I know you think my husband is awesome and popular and I must be so thrilled to be associated with him, but being referred to as the pastor’s wife, often brings up expectations in people’s minds.  I feel their eyes look me up and down and their thoughts are written on their faces.   Yes, I'm the pastor's wife, but I am also my own person, with a brain, personality, and a first name.  I’d rather you said, “This is my friend, Rej”

      4.  Go slow.  Most friendships take time to grow and evolve.  You might think that you know me (because I’m seen or talked about from the pulpit), but I don’t necessarily know you…yet. I’ve been lucky to be at great churches where many times, I felt people were eager to be my new best friend.  They could have been well meaning or they might want to be in the “inner circle” – either way, the eagerness felt creepy.  Pastor’s wives are known to be aloof and withdrawn – we have to be careful with who we confide in, because we’ve been burned.  So be friendly.  Go ahead and overshare if you want to - I'm used to it.  But let me take my time.  The closest, long-lasting friendships in my life are like marinated jungle ribs, cooked low, slow and spicy.

    5.  Speak up – The family of the pastor sometimes gets perks (extra dessert from potluck and maybe a special parking spot), but we also get a lot of criticism.  If you are an actual friend of ours, I expect you to speak up for my family when we are being criticized.  A simple, “ We may not know the whole story,” will suffice.  It’s probably a good practice to say that when you hear criticism or gossip about anybody.  That’s friendship.  

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My mind's eye

In my mind’s eye is a running commentary of the things I’ve heard about myself. Some things are true, some things are grossly inaccurate but keep playing over and over in my mind.  Many of these negative things are just things I’ve said or think about myself.  I’m hard on myself, typical oldest child syndrome, I believe.  

But recently, I’ve decided that dwelling on the negative things about myself doesn’t always help me become a better person.  So I’ve decided to only let the good, positive things have “replay space” in my head.  It helps me feel beautiful and strong, and brave. 

So this blog is going to be a tribute to others as well as a “humblebrag” of my own talents.  It’s awkward, but I’m going to write the things that people have said to me that make me feel amazing. Some people (my hubby) think my self-esteem is too high, so if you are one of those people, too bad (or as Leela says “tough titties” – really it’s a saying in Australia!)   

There are days that my self-esteem is high, but this post is for the days when I am feeling low.  I hope I’ll look back and read these words and pick myself up out of the dark.  Here goes:

•       As a kid, I didn’t always feel like I fit in. I remember being at a large family BBQ, where I was feeling introverted and didn’t want to hang out with the other kids.  I was at the home of three beautiful sisters (you know who you are), and the middle sister took me under her wing.  She was 5 years older than me, super popular and arguably the most physically attractive of the three, and I don’t know why, but she took me to her room and just hung out with me. She acted like I was fun and cool (which definitely wasn’t true of me at 10 years old).  She showed me pictures of her boyfriend and we talked and that afternoon built me up as a preteen. I still love her dearly, especially for that encounter. 
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•       I had a few clearly ugly years in middle school. In 8^th grade, I was at a new school, wearing big glasses and a polyester green uniform skirt, and I was very unsure of myself.  On Valentine’s Day at Arlington Baptist School, students sent each other flowers (what was it called? Flowergrams? I don’t remember).  If this happened at your school, you know how awkward it was to GET or NOT GET a flower.  On one particular Valentine day at ABS, I got a white carnation flower. I probably blushed. The tag said, “From: JESUS.” Some may see that as a pity flower, but to me it was a welcoming random act of kindness. I still don’t know who it was from, but I try every chance I get to pass that act of kindness on. 
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•       When I was a sophomore in high school, my English teacher pulled me aside and I told me what a talented writer I was. She encouraged me to pursue writing in college.  I couldn’t imagine making a living writing (I’m Indian – healthcare was my only option), so I didn’t pursue it.  But even now, when someone compliments my writing, I want to thank Ms. Hamilton giving me the confidence to write and share my writing with others.   
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•         I didn’t have a lot of boyfriends before Kumar, but I always had “boy” “friends.”  After those ugly years, I figured out how to do my hair and makeup and in high school I thought I was pretty (when I look back now, I do still laugh at that same hair and makeup).  In all of the note-writing and “ask-him if-he-likes-me” type drama of high school sweethearts, I was once told that I was “the perfect piece of woman.”  This is soooooooo embarrassing to write- but that comment raised my self-esteem and helped me have the self-confidence to many bad dating situations in my teens and early twenties.  I felt like I was worth waiting for and I lived that way.  Guys - girls remember the words you say to them, let your words build girls up. Even if you don’t end up married to her, you’ll be remembered forever.
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•       When I had my first child and I was at New Hope, I started a mothers group. In my head, I had dreams of an amazing group of moms going on field trips and raising our kids together.  Each month, when I planned an activity, only 2-3 people would show up.  At one event, only one mom showed up, and we had a terrible tour of Petsmart with our two daughters.  Afterwards, we had lunch at McDonalds together and she said to me, “I’m so glad you are doing this, even if no one shows up, its been great for me.”  That mothers group can never really be called a success for anyone but the 3 beautiful ladies that I got to know during those years.  But give kids (between the 2 of us) and 10 years later, Jill is still one of my closest friends.
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•       A few years ago, a lifetime friend of mine and I were talking about how difficult our marriages can sometimes be.  She looked at me and said, “You know I’d kill for you. I just want you to know that.”  I’m pretty sure I would never ask her to, but everyone needs a friend that will be on your side, even when you are wrong.  My world is a safer place because of her.
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•       Just recently I had an amazing weekend at a women’s conference. I wasn’t scheduled to go to the Sabbath service, because I was teaching Sabbath school at my church.  But after hearing the Friday night speaker, I knew I had to go on Sabbath morning too.  But who would teach Sabbath school. I’m a responsible teacher and pastor’s wife, so I wrestled with this question in the wee hours of that Sabbath morning.  Then God spoke to me. (Not audibly, but very clearly in my mind)

“                 "Do you think you are so important to Sabbath school that you can’t miss it? It’s not you, it’s    

                    me who is doing the good work there.  You go to the conference, and I’ll take care of it.

                I went.

Disclaimer: To all of my besties (I’m sooo lucky to have quite of few of them) -don’t feel slighted if I didn’t list you today. I’m going to journal (online and privately) these special words and moments as I remember them.  They are the episodes and the words I want replayed in my mind, because they make me feel beautiful and smart and kind. I need these words and maybe some of you need them too.