1. Stop talking about church - Some pastors try not to socialize with their parishioners, but for me, the majority my friends are friends that I
made at church; but that is not the only thing we have in common. We can talk about current events, TV, music, movies,
and food – I love many of the same things that “normal” people do. If we are getting together and it’s not a
church function, let’s have a “no church-talk” policy. Let's be people of many talents and interests, and we’ll be better friends in the end.
2. Give me some breathing room on Sabbath. When my husband steps into church, he’s on
pastor mode and gets to work greeting, downloading his slides, doing last
minute counseling, etc. That's what he's paid to do. When I step into church, I am the harried single parent – The second I walk in, I am trying to keep track of 3 kids
who are sometimes slapping each other, running in different directions and collecting
candy from the greeters. I’m usually carrying a casserole for potluck, gathering supplies for Sabbath school
classes, and praying that the teachers show up. If my husband is speaking, during
the sermon, I have corral the kids, keep them quiet and not
crawling over and under the pews (yes, even seven year olds do this! WHY???),
and smile good-naturedly while my husband shares personal stories of our
life. Sabbath morning is not the best
time to invite me to your Tupperware party or give me a receipt that has to get
to the church treasurer. I love going to church, but Sabbaths are exhausting for an introvert like me – even if I get a
nap on Saturday afternoon I probably won’t remember what you said/gave to me
until Sunday morning.
3. Don’t introduce me as “the pastor’s wife” –This happens to me not only at church, but also at parties, the
grocery store and at my kids’ school.
Last year someone actually introduced me “Mrs. Pastor Kumar.” I know you think my husband is awesome and
popular and I must be so thrilled to be associated with him, but being
referred to as the pastor’s wife, often brings up expectations in people’s
minds. I feel their eyes look me
up and down and their thoughts are written on their faces. Yes, I'm the pastor's wife, but I am also my own
person, with a brain, personality, and a first name. I’d rather you said, “This is my friend, Rej”
4. Go slow. Most friendships take time to grow and evolve. You might think that you know me (because I’m
seen or talked about from the pulpit), but I don’t necessarily know you…yet.
I’ve been lucky to be at great churches where many times, I felt people were
eager to be my new best friend. They could have been well meaning or they might want to be in the “inner circle” – either way, the eagerness felt creepy. Pastor’s wives are known
to be aloof and withdrawn – we have to be careful with who we confide in,
because we’ve been burned. So be friendly. Go ahead and overshare if you want to - I'm used to it. But let me
take my time. The closest, long-lasting friendships
in my life are like marinated jungle ribs, cooked low, slow and spicy.
5. Speak up – The family of the pastor
sometimes gets perks (extra dessert from potluck and maybe a special parking
spot), but we also get a lot of criticism.
If you are an actual friend of ours, I expect you to speak up for my
family when we are being criticized. A
simple, “ We may not know the whole story,” will suffice. It’s probably a good practice to say that
when you hear criticism or gossip about anybody. That’s friendship.
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