My mind's eye

In my mind’s eye is a running commentary of the things I’ve heard about myself. Some things are true, some things are grossly inaccurate but keep playing over and over in my mind.  Many of these negative things are just things I’ve said or think about myself.  I’m hard on myself, typical oldest child syndrome, I believe.  

But recently, I’ve decided that dwelling on the negative things about myself doesn’t always help me become a better person.  So I’ve decided to only let the good, positive things have “replay space” in my head.  It helps me feel beautiful and strong, and brave. 

So this blog is going to be a tribute to others as well as a “humblebrag” of my own talents.  It’s awkward, but I’m going to write the things that people have said to me that make me feel amazing. Some people (my hubby) think my self-esteem is too high, so if you are one of those people, too bad (or as Leela says “tough titties” – really it’s a saying in Australia!)   

There are days that my self-esteem is high, but this post is for the days when I am feeling low.  I hope I’ll look back and read these words and pick myself up out of the dark.  Here goes:

•       As a kid, I didn’t always feel like I fit in. I remember being at a large family BBQ, where I was feeling introverted and didn’t want to hang out with the other kids.  I was at the home of three beautiful sisters (you know who you are), and the middle sister took me under her wing.  She was 5 years older than me, super popular and arguably the most physically attractive of the three, and I don’t know why, but she took me to her room and just hung out with me. She acted like I was fun and cool (which definitely wasn’t true of me at 10 years old).  She showed me pictures of her boyfriend and we talked and that afternoon built me up as a preteen. I still love her dearly, especially for that encounter. 
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•       I had a few clearly ugly years in middle school. In 8^th grade, I was at a new school, wearing big glasses and a polyester green uniform skirt, and I was very unsure of myself.  On Valentine’s Day at Arlington Baptist School, students sent each other flowers (what was it called? Flowergrams? I don’t remember).  If this happened at your school, you know how awkward it was to GET or NOT GET a flower.  On one particular Valentine day at ABS, I got a white carnation flower. I probably blushed. The tag said, “From: JESUS.” Some may see that as a pity flower, but to me it was a welcoming random act of kindness. I still don’t know who it was from, but I try every chance I get to pass that act of kindness on. 
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•       When I was a sophomore in high school, my English teacher pulled me aside and I told me what a talented writer I was. She encouraged me to pursue writing in college.  I couldn’t imagine making a living writing (I’m Indian – healthcare was my only option), so I didn’t pursue it.  But even now, when someone compliments my writing, I want to thank Ms. Hamilton giving me the confidence to write and share my writing with others.   
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•         I didn’t have a lot of boyfriends before Kumar, but I always had “boy” “friends.”  After those ugly years, I figured out how to do my hair and makeup and in high school I thought I was pretty (when I look back now, I do still laugh at that same hair and makeup).  In all of the note-writing and “ask-him if-he-likes-me” type drama of high school sweethearts, I was once told that I was “the perfect piece of woman.”  This is soooooooo embarrassing to write- but that comment raised my self-esteem and helped me have the self-confidence to many bad dating situations in my teens and early twenties.  I felt like I was worth waiting for and I lived that way.  Guys - girls remember the words you say to them, let your words build girls up. Even if you don’t end up married to her, you’ll be remembered forever.
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•       When I had my first child and I was at New Hope, I started a mothers group. In my head, I had dreams of an amazing group of moms going on field trips and raising our kids together.  Each month, when I planned an activity, only 2-3 people would show up.  At one event, only one mom showed up, and we had a terrible tour of Petsmart with our two daughters.  Afterwards, we had lunch at McDonalds together and she said to me, “I’m so glad you are doing this, even if no one shows up, its been great for me.”  That mothers group can never really be called a success for anyone but the 3 beautiful ladies that I got to know during those years.  But give kids (between the 2 of us) and 10 years later, Jill is still one of my closest friends.
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•       A few years ago, a lifetime friend of mine and I were talking about how difficult our marriages can sometimes be.  She looked at me and said, “You know I’d kill for you. I just want you to know that.”  I’m pretty sure I would never ask her to, but everyone needs a friend that will be on your side, even when you are wrong.  My world is a safer place because of her.
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•       Just recently I had an amazing weekend at a women’s conference. I wasn’t scheduled to go to the Sabbath service, because I was teaching Sabbath school at my church.  But after hearing the Friday night speaker, I knew I had to go on Sabbath morning too.  But who would teach Sabbath school. I’m a responsible teacher and pastor’s wife, so I wrestled with this question in the wee hours of that Sabbath morning.  Then God spoke to me. (Not audibly, but very clearly in my mind)

“                 "Do you think you are so important to Sabbath school that you can’t miss it? It’s not you, it’s    

                    me who is doing the good work there.  You go to the conference, and I’ll take care of it.

                I went.

Disclaimer: To all of my besties (I’m sooo lucky to have quite of few of them) -don’t feel slighted if I didn’t list you today. I’m going to journal (online and privately) these special words and moments as I remember them.  They are the episodes and the words I want replayed in my mind, because they make me feel beautiful and smart and kind. I need these words and maybe some of you need them too.