As I’ve come out of my winter stupor and
become amazing, incredible Rej again, I’ve been struggling with a lowly, nagging sense of guilt. I know God is always with me, and always
working in my life, but there are sometimes when it seems like he is sitting around, watching Netflix, ("seems like" - don't have a cow. I know God wouldn't waste his money on cable) and other times where it seems like he is working
overtime. Spring/Summer is overtime Godtime for me – I’m energized by the sun. In the spring I'm exercising and writing, drawing and blogging and I wonder to myself – “Why
can’t I be like this all the time - Why
is life this roller coaster of ups and downs?”
I know that exercise + healthy eating+ my happy pill keeps my performance at tip top condition, but I’m annoyed with myself for not tackling winter with the same energy that I have right now. So I turned to the Bible for some clarity. And I learned that there are people in the Bible who also suffered highs and lows in their faith – maybe they'd even be diagnosed with something if they lived in our times. A look at the Psalms and you’ll see David’s almost Bipolar poems of angst and praise. In 1 Samuel, Hannah cried and prayed so hard in the temple that Priest Eli thought she was drunk. She was not drunk (Although Noah was in Genesis 9). Hannah was at the end of her rope, dejected, woefully, miserably depressed. I’ve been there. Have you?
Music calms me (like it calmed king Saul - another man whose diagnosis can be found in the DSM-V ) in those dark moments.The song that has touched my soul in the dark places of the last two years is Oceans from Hillsong United. Clearly I’m not the only one, as the song has been on the charts for at least 2 years. The words are poetic, the music is soaring, but the best part of the song for me is the wails of desperation. The middle part of this song is filled with anguish, but the song ends with a quiet hope. Sometimes we cry and scream, and in the same breathe, we pray for God to lift us out of our despair.
This crisis of faith is not limited to God’s people of the Bible or God’s people of today. Jesus himself suffered during his time on earth as a human. Matthew 26 says “ Then He *said to them, “My soul is deeply grieved, to the point of death; remain here and keep watch with Me.”(NASB) Jesus cried tears and sweat blood in the garden of Gethsemane. And it wasn’t just one night – you think you’ve had a bad weekend? Jesus had the worst weekend ever. In his final hours on the cross, he cried out to God, “MY GOD, MY GOD, WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?” How can this be – How does God forsake himself? - How does the Son of God (100% Divine) feel so alone, so separated from his Father, who is a part of him?” It only makes sense if you also remember that he was also 100% human. Part of our humanity is this crisis of unbelief, this feeling of being alone, when God is right there with us. It’s not a spiritual weakness, a lack of faith or even just a chemical weakness in my brain. (although I’m a big believer in Jesus and Zoloft.*) It’s nothing to be ashamed of. I’m human.
I know that exercise + healthy eating+ my happy pill keeps my performance at tip top condition, but I’m annoyed with myself for not tackling winter with the same energy that I have right now. So I turned to the Bible for some clarity. And I learned that there are people in the Bible who also suffered highs and lows in their faith – maybe they'd even be diagnosed with something if they lived in our times. A look at the Psalms and you’ll see David’s almost Bipolar poems of angst and praise. In 1 Samuel, Hannah cried and prayed so hard in the temple that Priest Eli thought she was drunk. She was not drunk (Although Noah was in Genesis 9). Hannah was at the end of her rope, dejected, woefully, miserably depressed. I’ve been there. Have you?
Music calms me (like it calmed king Saul - another man whose diagnosis can be found in the DSM-V ) in those dark moments.The song that has touched my soul in the dark places of the last two years is Oceans from Hillsong United. Clearly I’m not the only one, as the song has been on the charts for at least 2 years. The words are poetic, the music is soaring, but the best part of the song for me is the wails of desperation. The middle part of this song is filled with anguish, but the song ends with a quiet hope. Sometimes we cry and scream, and in the same breathe, we pray for God to lift us out of our despair.
 |
| I can imagine Jesus saying this in the garden. |
This crisis of faith is not limited to God’s people of the Bible or God’s people of today. Jesus himself suffered during his time on earth as a human. Matthew 26 says “ Then He *said to them, “My soul is deeply grieved, to the point of death; remain here and keep watch with Me.”(NASB) Jesus cried tears and sweat blood in the garden of Gethsemane. And it wasn’t just one night – you think you’ve had a bad weekend? Jesus had the worst weekend ever. In his final hours on the cross, he cried out to God, “MY GOD, MY GOD, WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?” How can this be – How does God forsake himself? - How does the Son of God (100% Divine) feel so alone, so separated from his Father, who is a part of him?” It only makes sense if you also remember that he was also 100% human. Part of our humanity is this crisis of unbelief, this feeling of being alone, when God is right there with us. It’s not a spiritual weakness, a lack of faith or even just a chemical weakness in my brain. (although I’m a big believer in Jesus and Zoloft.*) It’s nothing to be ashamed of. I’m human.
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