Awkward Dugger Conversations

My kids are big fans of the Duggars, and I’ve been proud of it. They are drawn to watching different kinds families on TV and I think the Duggars’ conservative values are a great contrast to some of the Disney shows they choose to watch.  I was hoping that the mix of conservative and  liberal media would help them end up somewhere in the middle – like me.  It’s also a good opportunity to discuss the choices different families make about their values.  I figure the more purposeful we are with these discussions, the better.  So we’ve followed them on TV –mostly us girls.  (Eli’s not usually thrilled with all the recent wedding and baby excitement. But we suffered through Star Wars, he can suffer through the Duggars)  

When the story of sexual abuse broke a few days ago, I was sad. I’m not sure the way they are choosing to handle the issue is perfect, but I’m going to try not to judge.  Unless charges are filed, it’s a private family issue.  They don’t, and probably shouldn’t share all the details with us – the voyeurs into their lives.  But even sadder for them, I was sad that I was going to have another big conversation with the kids that I wasn’t ready for (side note: Parents of babies and toddlers, even though I don’t envy your sleep schedule, I envy your conversations). I’m a believer in being the first to have these gross conversations with the kids.  I was raised in a time and family where my teachers and friends told me everything I needed to know about sex.  Even though I have little experience with “the talk”, and it was deeply uncomfortable for me, Kumar and I wanted to be the first to tell them about sex.  We want to have open conversations with them about their bodies, its changes and what is appropriate for their ages. 

In the case of the Duggars, I knew there was a good chance that they’d hear information at school or with a glance at a magazine or a snippet of the news, so I figured I’d better sit them down and tell them what I know/believe first. 

This morning, I did it alone (cause Kumar is traveling)– I called them to the table and told them that the show was cancelled and what happened.  They were freaked out when I called them to the table – they thought I was going to deliver worse news than a cancelled TV show. 

However, it was a good time to reiterate that no one can touch his or her private parts.  We have a reasonably tight play date and sleepover policy, but things can happen anywhere at anytime.   And if it does, they need to get out of the situation. I told them that if it something “weird” happened on a Pathfinder campout or at camp or even at a relative’s house – they need to get up, tell an adult and call us immediately. 

Maybe the next Camporee should be in Disneyworld?

“I will pick you up anywhere and get you out of there.”

“Even in Florida? ”  - Wilo said.  (Clearly, her imagination of Pathfinder campouts is more exciting than reality)

“Even in Florida.” I said. 

“I will fly where ever you are and get you and keep you safe."  (I loved saying that. It made me feel like a superhero, which I want to be for my kids). 

I also said, “If you do something bad, something that might make you feel bad, you can also tell us.  We’ll get you out of the situation, get you the help you need, and we’ll help make it right.  People make mistakes, especially when they are teenagers and their hormones are influencing them.  We’ll love you anyway and help you deal with it.”   

A conversation dreaded by openly prudish Rej, ended up being a great, honest conversation that I feel proud of.  I’m sharing it with you now, so you can see that even introverts with very little experience with “the sex talk” can do a pretty good job.  Please don’t assume teachers and doctors are the right people to talk with your little ones.  Take a deep breath, and be the parent your child needs and deserves, even when it’s awkward.