Maintaining Control

I know that men like to be known by their “manhood” but really, men, – is it ok that the majority of the world thinks that you can’t control yourself, because your libido controls you? 

There is a story about slut shaming that is making its rounds on the Today Show and Facebook right now, and as someone who had to line up in the hallway of my Christian school for teachers to “check” my skirt, I’m a little distressed that Christians often support these actions.  Maybe it’s not just Christians, but many fundamental religious people believe that men and boys can’t control themselves when women are around.  We need to help them (and protect ourselves) by wearing long sleeves, long skirts… oh why not just throw a burqa on our heads and solve the whole problem of sexual violence against women, right?   

If only it were that simple. If only covering every inch of skin would prevent the sin of lust and selfishness.  Covering up is not the answer to the worldwide problem of sexual violence against women.  In fact, sexual violence against women is even more prevalent in countries that promote the idea that men need to be shielded from women.  In these countries, women are blamed for the violence because their dress, words, or mere attitude coerces men to do bad, bad things. Most of us in democratic societies do not support this type of violence, so why do we, especially conservative people of faith, continue to place blame on women for the things that happen to them? This needs to stop. 

 Instead of shaming girls for their bodies, why not teach boys that girls are not sexual objects? Why not encourage men to control their desires, be responsible for their own behavior, and recognize that their “sexual weaknesses” can violate the freedom of others and hurt their own physical, mental, and spiritual well-being? 

Unfortunately, the blame game started in the Garden of Eden. When Adam was caught in the first sin, he said, “the woman made me do it.” And God let him off the hook – right?  No, God cursed man and woman and the serpent too – because they were all culpable.   Each person is responsible for his/her part in sin.  God is not like human judges and jurors, saying, “She was wearing spaghetti straps and dancing suggestively. She deserved to be raped.”  God judges each person himself, and he judges the heart (1 Samuel 16:7). The heart of violence against others, even sexual violence, is often rooted in selfishness – putting our own needs above the needs and will of those around us. 

 We can all control our urge to sin.  Men can control their bodies, if that’s the area that they struggle with, just like I can control my urge to shop or nag.  God works with me in those areas. He meets me where I am, and encourages me when I make even a little growth.  Through the careful discipline of targeting a sinful area (greed or a volcano mouth) I learn and I grow, little by little, day by day, and eventually those urges are easier to resist.  When I replace a bad habit with a good one (appreciating what I have instead of constantly shopping for new things), I feel proud.  I’m happy that I’ve conquered a personal weakness, even though it was hard work and I never thought I’d be able to do it. I pat myself on the back, and thank God granting for me self-control in this area.  And then I begin to tackle another problem. (I am human after all – there’s always some area of life to work on). 

 When I was growing up (and even now in many schools and churches), Christian men and women have directed blame and responsibility at women only.  What’s worse, many women have accepted the blame.  By doing so, they prevent men from growing in an area that is difficult to tame. Instead, we’ve made it easier for them to keep ignoring the problem of lust in their lives and we’ve deprived them of healthy relationships with women.  “It can’t be done.” You say.   God says, “You can do all things through me” (Philippians 4:13).  

 If you are a real man of God can't you take that as a challenge? Sundress and swimsuit season is upon us now guys; don’t blame us for your wandering eyes.  Outward beauty can be easy to look at, and although it may give you a temporary feeling of strength, it is not long lasting or fulfilling.

 Our minds and bodies were made for God-given and God-modeled love, for “becoming one” with another and with God.  We are meant to connect with others through love.  That requires seeing others with Jesus eyes and loving others with a self-less love. Let’s stop focusing about the temptations around us. Temptation is/was always there – even in the garden, pre-shame, when nudity was the norm.  Let’s keep our eyes on the love of God, who gives us self-control, even in presence of his perfect creation.