The ask

I’m an American, as an American I value independence and self-sufficiency, but in the last few years I’ve noticed that when I need things from others its good to ask.  This week I had to ask for a donation. It brought me back to the early 80s when kids had to sell candy bars door to door.  Not exactly the safest thing, but a good experience in many ways. In August, I’m helping out at a soccer camp for refugee children.  Stop gasping, I’m helping out with food, not soccer.  We rely on donations to provide the kids breakfast, snacks and lunch during their week with us. 

This is my first year helping, and when I said I’d help with food, I didn’t quite realize that I’d be raising the budget for the food that I packed and served.  When chatting with the director, she told me that if I took her donation letter to a grocery store, they will  give you a $50 gift card.  “You just do this at every grocery store that you can, and there’s your budget.”  What!?  It sounded a little time consuming but I'm off for the summer, and every little bit helps, right?  So I printed out the letter, decided I would start with the local Giant that I’ve been frequenting for 10 years and set out.  I took my kids of course, thinking they are cute and may help me get more moolah, and its summer learning, right?  I went up to the manager, introduced myself, handed her the letter and then…stumbled a bit over my words.  I may be a good writer, but speaking is not my forte.  I’m an introvert, and this was a bit out of my comfort zone.  I paused, and said, “Sorry I’m nervous, This is my first ask.” (I could just feel my 14 year old rolling her eyes next to me.  Arghh!  In my head, I was the savior getting money for these poor refugee kids, and now I’m screwing it up)

Luckily, the manager was kind.  While glancing at my kids, she turned the whole thing into a teaching moment, pointing out what I did right (my letter had the dates, tax exempt numbers and contact in that she needed), and then told me what the next steps were. (Her business manager would call me letting me know if we got a donation).  I thanked her and went to the next place.  But as I reflected on the experience, I realized how rarely I ask for things. I’m not talking about asking for things that I know that I will get (hot sauce from a waiter at a restaurant or a dessert from a friend who is coming over for dinner), but how rarely I ask for bigger things. Asking can sometimes be a sign of entitlement, but it can also be humbling.  Who likes being humble?

Sure, going from grocery store to grocery store is time consuming for $50 a pop, when I’m sure I know people who will just write me a check for the whole amount I need for the week, but there was something in that ask.  I learned how it felt to need something.  Maybe not even need something, because the truth is I bought myself a snack at the grocery store after my ask, but I learned how it felt to ask for something I wasn’t sure I was going to get.  It’s a good practice. It requires a bit of bravery and humility and some social skills.  It was probably more meaningful than all the reading and math that my kids have been doing all summer.  So I learned something, and I taught something.   

So now I’m gonna do a bigger ask – its easier because it’s a written ask for me.  Consider supporting the soccer camp at L.A.C.E.S.  It’s a good cause- refugee kids are transported from their apartment complexes, to play and be mentored for a morning at a soccer camp for free, with breakfast and lunch provided.  It’s probably similar to one that you pay big bucks to send your kids to every summer.  The budget is small and more kids are begging to sign up.  Seren, the executive director, has the hardest time telling them that we are full, but we are trying to do it right. We want them to make meaningful connections and have good food.  You can look it up and donate here – and as much as I want your big bucks, I want you to consider making "an Ask".  Message me and I’ll send you the letter with all the details. Take it to your local grocery store, with your kids, and ask. You all might learn something, and every little bit helps. 

All are Called

When you ask me about speech-language pathology, I can talk forever.  I can read articles and go to PDs and highlight notes. I’m at a great point in my career, where I actually feel comfortable in my job.  Ask me questions, and I have answers, but I also have tons of questions about dialects and pronunciation, listening and the brain.  There’s still so much to learn about and I actually care about it.

When the beginning of the school year used to be a chore, I now see it as an adventure.  I have older students who I enjoy working with, and new students, each year with more complex speech and language needs being mainstreamed into an inclusive environment.  I used to get overwhelmed and sometimes I panic. But that’s ok, I’m in my 40s now, with enough life experiences to know that being uncomfortable and unsure is a part of being human.

In the rocky start to every new year, I feel like I don’t know what I am doing, but then time passes.  I observe, try a technique and fail, ask questions, research, try and fail again (this routine can go along for a while for some complex kiddos) but then somehow, the clouds break, our eyes connect and I figure out a way to improve communication.  It’s a thrill to see quiet and sometimes frustrated kids blossom into kids who communicate.  It’s the best job in the world for me.

CURIOSITY

I believe that curiosity combined with a love for others is what makes my job my calling. 

I believe just as we all have gifts, we all have a calling.  It doesn’t have to be your job.  Some people, most people, have to work at jobs that pay the bills, while pursuing their calling on the side – whether it be art, music, friendship or comedy, you can still enjoy your calling while collecting the paycheck that funds the more meaningful experiences in life. 

Calling isn’t education, although education can help.  I used to be an education snob.  I’m a child of an immigrant.  The biggest reasons my immigrant parents moved to the US was for their children to have a good education.  So, I’ve been primed from birth that I go to college, get my masters, never stop learning.  I agree with the “never stop learning” part, but in our Google world, I’m not sure formal education is the only way to learn.  Some people like me and my hubby, thrive in school settings.  Others do amazing things while being self-taught.  Both require curiosity and patience. What do you want to know more about?  Not what makes you happy, or what makes feel smart, or safe - That’s what you should pursue.

Think about it.  All the best people in any field are curious.

Great pastors are curious about God, and keep asking questions.

Great teachers are curious about their students and how they learn.

Great nurses are curious about physical, mental and emotional healing.

Great painters are curious about light, shadow and color.

Great scientists are curious about patterns in the things seen and unseen.  

HONESTY:  

For a long time, I’ve been a sucker for honesty. I just believe that your yeses should be yeses and your no’s should be no’s.  When you say yes, and mean no, or vice versa, you destroy trust.  There’s a difference between brutal honesty (the kind that hurts others) and authenticity – being true to one’s spirit.  Brene Brown has written more on this than I could ever express or explain, so if you don’t know how to be yourself, she’s a great resource.

Honesty is also connected to calling.  It’s hard to work in a job that doesn’t allow you to express how you really feel or live the way you want to live.  I believe that collecting a paycheck to be fake, in opposition of what you believe, can be a soul killer. Some of us bury our heads in the sand when we think about where our paychecks are really coming from.  As annoying as millennials can be to us Gen Xers, that’s one thing they really get well.  They want to live authentically – which often means that they aren’t willing to attend the churches, work the jobs or even sit quietly with people who offend them.  There’s probably a balance to be found, but it’s not easy.  

SELFLESSNESS

Can you have a calling that only serves yourself?  I don’t think so.  Not as a Christian.  Things that you spend your time on because it benefits you (your mind, your soul, spirit). That’s a hobby.  Hobbies make you happy, and they may be used to hone a skill or as downtime in our stressful worlds.  But seeking happiness alone does not provide meaning.  Humans are wired to want meaning (not money, not fame) in our lives.  You can use your hobby to help others, but you have to spend the time and effort thinking beyond yourself.  It’s not easy, and it might not be as “fun” but it will be meaningful, and the joy you get from that experience may help you find your calling.

Hope

My life has been difficult at times and I shared last week that I was having a difficult time NOT stressing out. I thank you for your advice regarding self-care. (I’ve got a massage scheduled next week,  I’m trying to fit in trips to the gym 1-2x/week., and I’m googling therapists and support groups).   

Thank you to the beautiful women (inside and out) who sought me out in church yesterday and text messaged me with their words of hope.   Women are so amazing. I’m so glad to be a part of a gender that shares with each other.  I’m an introvert and I didn’t grow up with sisters, so sharing my thoughts, feelings, (and hugs- Reema!) do not come easy to me.   I just started truly sharing with my close friends(and some strangers) in the last 3 years (Hello 40!).  I will say that the best part of sharing my struggles with others is that others now feel comfortable sharing their struggles with me. I love that, because it helps me feel less isolated and it helps divert the focus from myself.  

The best way I can let go of my problems (no more wahwahwah) is to try to focus on what I can do for others.  I was sometimes left out as a child - (immigrant, nerd, brat), so now I try power those feelings into being a connector. I have lots of wonderful friends and a great support system.  I want that for everyone I meet.  I’m not the only one going through struggles.  We all have our struggles.  

Look on TV or Facebook and you'll see some pretty harsh situations.  Ask a friend or colleague how they are really doing, and you'll also hear some sad, sad stories.  In some cases, all I can do is pray.  In other cases, I can sit with my friends in silence (because I’m not sure words help when you’ve lost a loved one and I have no place giving advice to those going through divorce). But there other people around me with needs that I can fill. So I'm sharing some of these ideas with you, in hopes that we multiple the love and support that others need.   

Grassroots crisis intervention – Our church has been connected with the only homeless shelter in Howard county for a long time.  But I haven't had much personal involvement with it until this year, when I've a few students in need of their services.  Did you know they collect unused gift cards?  I often have a stash of Christmas gift cards that I'm not sure I'll really use.  I could go to the store and buy something random, or I could give them to someone who has nothing. 

Breelyn’s blanket brigade – Don’t watch the video on this facebook page unless you have tissues nearby.  This mama, who goes to our church, lost her precious daughter last year, and is giving back in a productive way. 

Red Shoe Shuffle – I haven’t run regularly in a while, but when I do run, I like running for a cause.  This one is for the Ronald McDonald House in Baltimore.  It’s just a 5K through Baltimore on April 2, 2017, and we can wear silly red and white striped socks.  If anyone is interested, maybe we can get together a team? 

If you’ve got any other local projects that I can throw myself into, please comment.  There are many of us wanting to do SOMETHING but we don’t know where to start.  

Poetry

I first entertained thoughts on God's gender when I took a required religion class at Loma Linda University, and the instructor told us that he always prayed "mother God."  He said God as a mother resonated with him and his upbringing as a child of a single mother.  I wasn't quite the feminist that I am now, so I didn't think much of it. I just figured it was an interesting concept that I didn't have much time for.  I was busy in grad school and although I enjoyed religious debate, I just wanted to pass the class without much thought. 
 But recently a friend of mine, who grew up in a nontraditional home, wrote this beautiful poem that expressed her need for God as mother.  It gave me chills.  I wanted to save it for myself and share it with my friends, so here it is.  



i dont want god the "Father"

i want god the "mother-i-never-had"

i dont want angry, ruthless war god

i want hold-me-while-I sob-in-the-dark god

i don't want kill-them-all-and-take-their-wives god

i want soft god, kiss-on-the-forehead god

i dont want dead-beat-daddy god

i want where-you-go-i-will-follow god

i want the moon at dawn in the gently haze 

not blaring sun in the blinding snow

i want god with the voice of maya angelou 

I don't want thunder-in-the-storm god

but  lata mangeshkar singing sweet ghazals 

i want,

i need,

have always needed

god who is female

la méré, maman, ma

Anjalica is a free spirit English honours and sociology student at UBC. She is a member of the Oakridge Adventist church in Vancouver. She is a frequent performer at local poetry slams and is the BEST BABYSITTER IN THE WORLD (because she always entertained my children and they thought of her as a big sister). She will always be a part of our extended family. 

She-ro

I’m raising a teenager.  She’s in that sweet spot, tall and thin, turning heads, looking older than her 13 years.  I remember that time, although I wasn’t half as confident. I remember having all of my choices and experiences in front of me, the infinite, incredible, unimaginable future in my unlined hands.  

She doesn’t read fashion magazines (unless I’m done with mine on a long car trip), but she does watch endless Instagram videos of makeup and hair styling techniques.  I hope she looks in the mirror and sees pretty, but I also hope she sees beyond that- smart, confident, kind, and capable.

In the other room, as I look the mirror, I fight constantly with hating the grey hairs that pop up on my head, and the new lines that show I’ve lived and laughed hard.  When I put on my makeup and get dressed up, I still want to see that Vogue magazine ideal Cindy Crawford beauty.  Just because I’m over 40, doesn’t mean I’ve stopped aspiring.  Ugh!  Twenty-five years of reading fashion magazines have done me no favors.  A compliment from my daughter these days is, “That looks pretty good for a mom.” I’ll take it.  It’s better than the typical teenage eye rolls and snarky, “You are really wearing those shoes?” She is judgey, just like me.  I see the Fashion Police commentary scroll across her face.  She will grow out of the meanness.  But when she grows out of the snark, she’ll probably grow out of her size 4 skinny jeans, dewy skin and long flowy hair.  She too will age.

So I’m trying to expand my ideal, love myself with the years I’ve live and the pounds I’ve gained.  Just because the world isn’t kind to middle aged women doesn’t mean that I can’t be kind to myself.  Every experience I’ve had, good and bad, makes me me.  Smart, confident, kind and capable.
 She told me the other day (when I was about to lose it), “Be the person you want your children to be.”  Silenced by my teenage daughter. She’s already inspiring.